someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
