There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
