You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
