My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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