Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
