i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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