My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
