For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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