My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
