I can't breathe out the right side of my face
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
