If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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