So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
