She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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