Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
