Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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