my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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