I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize