They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize