I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
