she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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