chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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