Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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