I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
