I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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