There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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