you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
