I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
