I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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