Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
