I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
