Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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