Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
