If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
