I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
