My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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