i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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