stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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