I'm gonna have a badass scar
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
