I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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