so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
