i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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