i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
