I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
