***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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