I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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