I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
