He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
