Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
tell me about the eggs
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