I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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