so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
