wrigley field is MILF paradise
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Damn victory sex feels great
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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