if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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