not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
