I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
