i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
