i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize