i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
