last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
