im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
