he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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