I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
