i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
