u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
