Your mouth is God's brothel.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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