i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
