I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
